Are Dating Apps Quietly Getting in the Way of Real Love?

Once upon a time (not that long ago), people would meet at the local dance, at the bookstore, at social clubs, or maybe while reaching for the same loaf of bread at the grocery store.

However, these days, most people meet online, usually through dating apps.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how dating has changed since my parents' generation, and how our expectations have changed with it.

If you’ve never ventured into the world of dating apps, or it’s been a while since you were last on one, the three big names are Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, where you swipe, match and then chat. But something's been bothering me about them recently, and it's the preference filters. 

Not just the basics like distance or age. You can now filter by things like height (yes, some people will never even see your profile if you’re under six feet), diet, political views, religion, and education level. You can curate your matches so tightly that you only see profiles that tick the exact boxes you’ve set.

Which sounds efficient.

Until you realise you might be filtering out people who could have been incredible for you, but they never had a chance because they were an inch too short or didn’t go to university.

And sure, I get it. Some filters are practical. Wanting to meet someone nearby or someone who shares your core values makes sense. But when we start using filters to build some kind of perfectly packaged partner, I think we start chasing something that doesn’t really exist.

Because here’s the thing: we think we know what we want. We think we know what will make us happy. But attraction, connection, love… it’s rarely what we expect. It’s rarely the checklist we see as a prerequisite. 

What people consistently say they actually want in a partner is simple: kindness, trust, safety, someone you can be yourself with. Yet you might never meet that person because your settings quietly excluded them before you even had the chance to swipe.

And here is the kicker — you might meet someone who ticks all your boxes. Six feet tall, masters degree, vegetarian, runs marathons on Sundays. But that doesn’t guarantee they’ll treat you well. It doesn’t mean they’ll make you laugh when you’re stressed, or show up when life gets messy, or hold you when things get hard. It doesn’t mean they’ll choose you when it matters.

We can so easily fall into this trap where we start to believe we’re just “meeting the wrong kinds of people” when, really, we’ve pre-selected the wrong kinds of people. We’ve prioritised instant attraction over real connection. We’ve traded curiosity for convenience.

I’ll admit, I’ve done it too. I’ve been through phases where I’d be on dating apps constantly, lining up multiple dates in a week, treating it like a numbers game. And then slowly, I found myself becoming completely disinterested. The apps got shuffled to a dusty folder on my phone. I realised I was filtering people out based on things that didn’t actually matter. I was chasing the ‘perfect profile’ instead of giving real people the chance to grow on me.

Something I've discovered is that most of the meaningful connections I’ve had didn’t start with fireworks. They started with hmm, not sure if they’re my type and turned into wow, I can’t stop thinking about them. If I had seen them on an app, I probably wouldn’t have swiped right.

There’s actually a name for this, and it’s called the mere exposure effect. The more time you spend with someone, the more attractive they can become to you. Dating apps, by design, don’t really allow space for that. They push us toward instant decisions, instant attraction, instant elimination, and judging people purely on how they look on paper. 

That’s why I’ve come to believe that dating apps are just one tool for meeting people. They can open doors, but they can also quietly close them without us even noticing. If you really want to find your person, dating apps can’t be your only strategy. You need variety. You need a bit of serendipity.

So approach your cute crush at work. Go to the party on the other side of the city. Let your friends set you up. Give people the chance to surprise you.

I’m in a season of life where I genuinely want to meet my person. But I’m also aware that the dating scene I’m in (the wonderful land of London), doesn’t always lend itself to building something long-term. It’s also a complicated situation, living in a place you already know you’ll be leaving probably in a years’ time. 

But the beautiful thing is, I’m surrounded by healthy, loving relationships and I genuinely feel content on my own. I go to bed happy, not because I’ve found my person yet, but because I’m no longer rushing to. I feel hopeful, curious, and excited for the day it happens.

Maybe I’ll meet them through an app. Maybe I’ll meet them reaching for the same loaf of bread at the grocery store.

Either way, I’m ready.

So, I’ll end today's blog with a question…What filters, whether on an app or in your own mind, are you finally ready to let go of?

A x