This is perhaps not the blog post my Mum would like to read. So, Mum, if you’re reading this, maybe just… skip to the next one.
I’ve been a single girl for almost three years now, and in that time, I’ve collected a rather eclectic mix of dating experiences. Some have been great—romantic, charming, the kind you tell your friends about with heart eyes. And others… well, let’s just say they’ve been tucked deep into my never again archives.
Until today.
Today, I am dragging these stories kicking and screaming out of the vault. All for your entertainment (and my ongoing therapy).
The Mystery Man
This was an experience I’ll never forget. In his photos, he looked young—fresh-faced, 28, full of life. In reality? When he walked into the bar and said my name, I did a double take. Surely not. This guy is pushing 40, minimum.
To his credit, at least he admitted it eventually. Halfway through the date, he sighed dramatically and confessed that he may have fudged the numbers a bit on his profile. No shit, Sherlock.
I powered through one drink out of sheer politeness before bolting home and deleting the app entirely.
I did not return to the dating world for weeks after that. Slightly traumatised.
The One Who Moved Too Fast
Oh, this one had potential. A police officer. Handsome. Sporty. Kind. For a brief, fleeting moment, I thought I’d hit the jackpot.
Then, after one date, he started sending me pictures of wedding dresses he thought I’d look nice in.
I didn’t know whether to be flattered or file a restraining order.
The Mummy’s Boy
Handsome. Polite. Generous. I thought I’d hit gold—again.
The date was going great. A romantic picnic on the beach.
Until I casually asked where he lived.
“With my mummy,” he said, without a hint of irony.
He was 27.
I ghosted faster than you could say red flag.
Mr. Brutally Honesty
He was a man who had no filter—whether you asked for his opinion or not.
On our second date, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Your hair looks… dead.”
Never mind the fact I’d spent two hours getting ready. And who said chivalry was dead?
The “My Ex Was Crazy” Guy
This was the man who, unprompted, launched into a dramatic monologue about his psychotic ex.
Apparently, she was obsessed with him. Super clingy. Just so unreasonable.
Which is interesting, because he’s also the guy who texted “U up?” at 2am and threw a tantrum when I didn’t respond.
At some point, I realised a universal dating truth: if every ex he’s ever had was “crazy,” odds are… he’s the problem.
The Man Who Took Dating Apps Very Seriously
He was polite, seemed normal, and the conversation was fine—until I mentioned I was only living in London for two years.
His entire demeanour changed. He scoffed, folded his arms, and said, “Well, what are you even doing on the apps, then?”
I don’t know, mate. Maybe looking for a nice dinner and some good company, not a marriage?
Mr. Over Enthusiastic
This guy was way too eager. I’d reply every 6-8 hours, and before I even had time to put my phone down, his icon would light up with a new message. Are you free tonight? Tomorrow? I’m free all week—just let me know.
Instant. Ick.
The Chronic Swiper
Midway through our date, his phone lit up with a notification. A new Tinder match. Without hesitation, he opened it—right in front of me.
“How hot is this girl?” he mused, turning the screen my way like we were two mates at the pub, not, you know, on a date.
Then, as if nothing had happened, he casually slipped his phone back into his pocket and carried on eating.
I almost choked on my chicken wrap.
Mr. Teary-Eyed
Halfway through a bottle of wine, my date started crying.
Not just a single, dignified tear—full-on, face-in-hands sobbing. Turns out, he was still in love with his ex.
I sat there, awkwardly patting his arm, wondering if it would be rude to just climb out the bathroom window.
The Finance Bro Who Underestimated Me
The Finance Bro™ in his sharp suit and fancy watch thought he’d impress me with his “witty” comments. When I mentioned I’m a primary school teacher, he goes, “That must be nice, just colouring all day.”
I smiled sweetly and replied, “Must be fun pressing buttons on a screen all day.”
There was no second date.
Mr. Chivalrous (Until the Bill Arrived)
This one started out strong. He took me to a museum for our first date—interesting, thoughtful, an actual effort was made. We had great chemistry, loads of laughter, and I thought, this might actually be going somewhere.
Then, at the end of the date, he asked if he could take me to a Sunday roast at his favourite pub. I was having a good time, so I agreed. Lovely lunch, great conversation. Then the bill arrived.
Him: “Actually, can we split it?”
Now, I have zero problem splitting the bill. But if you invite me to your favourite spot, on a first date, after extending the invitation yourself…
Mate. Read the room.
The Touchy One
It was only our second date, and he suggested mini-golf.
I thought it was a fun, light-hearted idea—until it took an uncomfortable turn. Mid-game, he casually placed his hand on my bottom. And then... left it there. We hadn’t even kissed yet.
Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling quite so sporty after that.
The One Who Gave Me Chills
I met this guy in a park, thinking it would be lively, but by the time we met, it had gotten quiet and dark.
We sat down and started chatting, and I jokingly said, “I’m really glad you’re not a serial killer.”
He looked me dead in the eye, no smile, no hint of humour, and simply said, “I still could be.”
I’m pretty sure my soul just left my body.
***
And there you have it—just a glimpse into my dating disaster reel, shared for your amusement (and my mild humiliation).
To be honest, some of these guys weren’t all bad, but the experiences have been, shall we say, a bit of a comedy show.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that dating is basically a game of roulette. You might land on someone great, or you might end up listening to a grown man sob about his ex over a bottle of Tempranillo.
I haven’t lost hope, though. I’m still holding out for my person. In the meantime, I’m more than happy to be the one supplying the entertainment for the group chat. I'll continue getting lost in my romance novels and holding onto my hopelessly romantic heart. If my future husband is out there praying his wife isn't dating anyone, well, his prayers are definitely being answered.
So, to my fellow single warriors—you're not alone. We’ve all had those what the hell was I thinking moments. Keep swiping, keep laughing, and keep your standards high (even if your expectations take a hit).
And Mum, if you’re still reading this—next time, I promise I’ll keep it PG. Maybe.
A x
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